In an episode of a television show I watched recently, one character advised another that “you need to forgive yourself.” I think this phrase gets thrown around too easily and too often. Whenever I come across it in fiction, I brace myself for plot twists that may be saccharine or implausible. When I hear it in real life, I get fidgety. Why does this phrase bother me?

In the first place, it seems too facile. Has this person actually done wrong? In that case, do they really have the authority to forgive themselves? It seems that the forgiveness they should be seeking is that of the person they have wronged. Granted, even if that person forgives them, they have to accept that they are forgiven, which I suppose involves forgiving themselves. But the other person’s forgiveness should come first, or at least be sought simultaneously.

Of course, the wronged person may not be able or willing to forgive them. I’ll agree that at some point, wrong-doers who have sincerely done their best to make amends may let themselves off the hook. They should forgive themselves. But only after they have done their best.

In the second place, “forgive yourself” is sometimes the wrong expression. Suppose this person hasn’t done wrong, but blames himself for things that were never really up to him in the first place. In the episode I am thinking of, another character said, “Don’t blame yourself for things that weren’t in your control.” Now that is true. People do blame themselves, and feel guilty, about things that are not their fault. However, telling someone that he shouldn’t blame himself and telling him to forgive himself are two different things. The results may feel similar–an easing of guilt (inappropriate guilt in the first case). But you can’t “forgive” yourself unless there is a wrong to be forgiven.

Finally, there is one area in which “forgive yourself” does seem appropriate. As human beings, we inevitably make mistakes. We step on people’s toes, say and do things we shouldn’t, and basically mess up. Repeatedly. This tendency, as opposed to the specific wrongs that result from it, isn’t our fault. We can’t help being human. At the same time, it does lead us to wrong others. So maybe it makes sense to say that we should “forgive ourselves” for our tendency to make mistakes, even as we try to avoid making them and try to make amends for the ones we have already made. We shouldn’t feel guilty for not being perfect. We should only feel guilty if we are not trying.

So maybe the character in the episode did need to forgive himself, as well as ceasing to blame himself for things out of his control. Maybe the phrase irritated me because I knew he also had a lot of forgiveness to seek as well–amends to be made, apologies to be offered–and that wasn’t explicitly addressed. Given his history, “forgive yourself” sounded more like a feel-good platitude and less like a real resolution to the problem.

But I think he got it right in the end.

Till next post.